ACT I will be performed outside of the White House on Pennsylvania Ave. NW at 10:00am on 4/20 and ACT II will be performed that afternoon at 4:20pm on the 3rd Street sidewalk on the National Mall. If you would like to participate in DCMJ’s 4/20 Theater, please sign up! For more information about 4/20 Theater, please read our recent news advisory.
Roles for Act I:
Mary – Kris Furnish
Jane – Rosina Memolo
Ghost of Richard Nixon
White House mirror, remote for TV, couch, prison bars, tables, bong and weed
Stage set up (2)
Sound person (1)
Prop handler (1)
Script + Stage Direction in Italic bold
Staged in front of the White House, Willie, Woody, Mary and Jane are sitting on the couch watching TV. Woody has a remote in his hand pointing at the White House like it’s a TV and clicking the buttons. Willie holds a sign that says “Fade In” lays it down, lights a joint and passes it back and forth a few times taking hits. TV Prop
NARRATOR: DCMJ is proud to present 420 Theater
CLAIRE SKIES: It’s looking like even though my name is Claire Skies, next week is gonna be a doozy with an expected 100 inches of rain, followed by a five year drought. Back to you, Ron.
RON BURGUNDY: OOOHH Claire, I guess it’s true, when it rains, it pours! Well, in higher news, today was the 4/20 Holiday and American leaders across the country are pandering to stoner voters again…
WOODY: Hey, Mary, Jane, Willie, guys, what are we doing for 4/20?
WILLIE: Bruh…it’s like 11:30 at night. I guess we’re doing it now.
MARY: Only politicians celebrate 4/20 these days. Duhh…
WOODY: That’s not true, just the other day they opened a huge MedMen dispensary right down the street from my house and today they gave me a free pre roll with 4/20 printed on it!
Willie has been bogarting the joint….
WILLIE: Hey Woody, didn’t you lose like 95% of your uhh…life savings on MedMen stock?
(long pause, Mary and Jane giggle)
WOODY: Yo that and Crypto. Hey, pass the joint. (pause, points at the White House.) Look at these fools on TV…
RON BURGUNDY: We are going live to the White House where President Joe Biden is welcoming the new President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro.
(In the Oval Office, President Biden and President Petro of Colombia)
OLD BIDEN: President Petro, I am so glad, man, that you could join me at The White House today. We have to talk about our counternarcotics efforts. We have to crack down on crack and cocaine, of course, but you Colombians have not been doing such a great job stopping coca cultivation. I know it’s tough.
PRESIDENT PETRO: President Biden, can I call you Joe? Thank you for inviting me to the White House on 4-20. Joe, we Colombians know better than anyone that the war on drugs can’t be won. So many of our people have died fighting the war on drugs over the years. The illegal drug trade finances the guerillas and paramilitaries we have been fighting for decades. That’s why my predecessor President Santos and I support drug legalization, especially cannabis legalization.
OLD BIDEN: Hmm, I know you have been supporting marijuana legalization for Colombia for many years. It helped you get elected President last year, didn’t it? My advisers have told me that marijuana legalization is good politics here, too, but I don’t know. You know, last October before our midterm elections, I announced that I was “pardoning” (AIR QUOTES) federal cannabis prisoners. It sure helped our Democratic candidates around the country. But habits are hard to break. I’ve always campaigned as tough on drugs and crime.
PRESIDENT PETRO: Joe, marijuana legalization is not just good politics, it’s the right thing to do. It is the best way to get the criminals out of the business and assure people that they are getting safe drugs that aren’t contaminated. Under the Colombian Constitution, you have a right to get high — our Constitutional Court has said so! Nobody who uses cannabis should be punished. And with, what, 20 American states having legal marijuana, how can you not let people out of prison who sold or grew marijuana out of prison? Especially when so many people are now making so much money and the states are taking in so much tax revenue from legal marijuana. It’s not right.
OLD BIDEN: Really, a right to get high? Under your Constitution, you say. You mean like choice and reproductive rights?
PRESIDENT PETRO: Joe, have you ever gotten stoned?
OLD BIDEN: No. As the son of an alcoholic I don’t drink or use drugs. I’m like my Republican buddy Senator Chuck Grassley and my old mentor from South Carolina, Senator Strom Thurmond — no drugs, no alcohol, no tobacco.
PRESIDENT PETRO: Joe, you are never too old to try it. Today is 4-20. Today is a perfect day to try some fine Colombian. Since I have diplomatic immunity, I brought some of my favorite stash with me.
OLD BIDEN: Hmm, maybe we could go up on the White House roof where it’s private. It’s where Willie Nelson used to get high with Jimmy Carter’s crew in the 1970s.
PRES. PETRO: Joe, if we are going to do this, you have to promise me that you will support Cannabis legalization in the U.S., and around the world. Our Colombian Congress is about to finish legalizing Cannabis in a few months. We have to end the war on drugs. I know that fentanyl is devastating Americans, but you know that all the laws you passed in the 1980s and 1990s and the people you locked up hasn’t done anything to stop the traffickers or save lives.
I’m worried that with your 100,000 annual fentanyl deaths the Republicans are going to pass bills and create votes that force your Democrats to do more cracking down.
OLD BIDEN: Like I say, old habits are hard to break. Unless I get forced to, I’m sticking with my tried and true formula. I can’t let the Republicans get around my flank on the drug issue. It killed us in 1984! Do you remember Walter Mondale?
PRES. PETRO: Then Joe, I’m sorry, but I don’t get high with narcs — it’s a real downer. I’m going up to Capitol Hill; I’m going to see if I can put any spine in Majority Leader Schumer and the rest of the big talkers. Thanks for your hospitality.
STEPHEN COLBERT SHOW Theme Song comes on PA – STEPHEN COLBERT stands inside the TV set, everyone acting applauds for at least a minute while Colbert takes bows and blows kisses.
STEPHEN COLBERT: What a lovely evening! Welcome to the Late Show ladies and gentlemen. I’m your host Stephen Colbert. Today is the 4/20 holiday, smoke em if you got em, but not in here OK? That’s what the green room is for.
(Everyone laughs extra hard)
So you might remember Joe Biden pulled an October surprise by reminding us this April that he pardoned all federal offenses for simple marijuana possession. The application process is now open! WOO!!! WOO!!!! AWWW Shucky Ducky! That is fantastic…unless it’s state charges, then well, uh…I guess you’re still in prison watching my show. (pause)(touching his earpiece to hear the control room)
Uh-oh… My producers are telling me everyone is still sitting in prison because the 6,500 pardons were for people NOT actually in prison.(pause) Happy 4/20 America!
Ladies and gentlemen, in all seriousness, President Biden isn’t like the young Biden. I mean, can you imagine “Young Biden” being cool with marijuana? Today’s “Old Biden” is well – (says in hippie voice) pretty chill – in comparison. I mean check out what the President had to say today for 4/20:
Old Joe Biden comes into the TV
OLD BIDEN: As I said when I ran for President, no one should be in jail just for using or possessing marijuana, it’s already legal in many states and that’s why I pardoned all prior (stutter) fed, federal offenses for the simple possession of marijuana. Thousands of people may be denied employment, housing or education opportunities as a result of that conviction. I am asking the HHS Secretary and the Attorney General to initiate a process to review how marijuana is scheduled under law. And if you listened carefully just now, I gave no timeline…
WOODY: OH MY GOD! Old Biden is amazing! (then taking a long toke) He’s like freeing thousands of people from prison!
WILLIE: Yeah, (air quotes) “like” freeing.
JANE: He’s LIKE the greatest president a stoner can imagine! Dude, he’s going to legalize marijuana! I wanna have his baby!
WILLIE: No guys, pay attention! See, I actually read the DCMJ emails, and I know that these pardons are bullshit. Who do any of you actually know that is sitting in federal prison for simple possession?
WOODY & JANE: (say at the same time) Uhhh……
WILLIE: EXACTLY! NO ONE is! The people in federal prison for cannabis related crimes are in there because they either got caught growing weed, or they got caught selling it.
MARY: BOTH of which are legal in most states today.
WILLIE: Now do you get why this pardon is bullshit?
WOODY: Yeah…yeah I think I get it. (JANE shaking her head yes in agreement with WOODY).
MARY: Some of these folks in prison have been there for decades, some are even serving life sentences…FOR WEED!
JANE: Sounds like the most dangerous thing about weed…is getting caught with it.
WOODY: Hey Willie, do you think they really pardoned those turkeys on Thanksgiving?
WILLIE: No, bruh, they ate them for dinner! This is all just ‘ceremonial!’
STEPHEN COLBERT: There it is. BOOM. He’s pardoning federal marijuana simple possession offenses, all of them. From the dankest nugs, to the harshest ditch weed. I’m talkin’ pot, grass, Mary Jane, reefer, the sweet sticky icky, ganja, zaza, exotic, chum chum, lime pillows, sticks n stems, herb, chronic, yamen, the devils lettuce, wacky tobacky, acapulco gold, jazz cigarettes, and the right honorable Al Green. This 4/20, Dark Brandon became Dank Brandon. Seriously nation, what’s going on in the White House these days? There are rumors of ghost sightings in the White House of late, especially by the ghost every stoner fears the most. We have this exclusive footage of the paranormal activity.
Enter the Ghost of Richard Nixon
GHOST of NIXON: I am the Ghost of Richard M. Nixon, the architect of the modern drug war and one creepy guy! (Smiling he flashes two V’s with his fingers.) I knew Young Biden, I knew him when he was a fresh faced carpetbagger from Delaware. Ya see, I knew him when he was tough on drugs and especially the devil’s weed. I heard in HELL that Old Biden isn’t the same man, he’s flip flopped, so I’ve come back to set him straight.
Old Biden is wandering around the White House eating Ice Cream(prop on lanyard). He passes a mirror and is suddenly startled (TV turns into mirror)
OLD BIDEN: Whoah, Woahhhhhhhhhh, am I really that old?! Am I seeing shit?! Uh oh, am I hallucinating? What’s in this Ben and Jerry’s ‘Oops! ALL THC’! (Taking a bite) mmmh
GHOST OF NIXON: (Yelling), You are not hallucinating! It’s me, yer old buddy Dick Nixon.
Biden jumps and realizes he’s talking to a ghost and is scared.
OLD BIDEN: Dick, is that you? I never thought I’d see you again. Where are you?
GHOST OF NIXON: Hell! It’s not bad, there are lots of people here, but you know who isn’t here Joe?
OLD BIDEN: Who? Me?
GHOST OF NIXON: No Joe! (snickering) Don’t worry you’ll be here soon. I’m talkin’ about all the stoners Joe, not one stoner is in Hell, because we made their lives Hell back on Earth! Most of them are really high if you know what I mean, like with the big guy upstairs.
OLD BIDEN: Uh…so why are you in my mirror?
GHOST OF NIXON: I’ve come back to remind you what we started 50 years ago. Don’t you remember? JUST SAY NO?! THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS! MARIJUANA IS DEADLY! ONLY BAD PEOPLE USE MARIJUANA. DRUGS ARE PUBLIC ENEMY #1! We worked across the aisle to find a way to mass incarcerate the blacks, the browns and the Jews, and you’re ruining it! You know what, I have an idea, I’ve got someone here with me who wants to remind you who you are.
YOUNG BIDEN: HEY OLD MAN! This is you, Joe. Cool Joe. Corvette Joe. Sunglass wearin’ Joe. Full head of hair Joe. I’m your Mo-Joe. Now listen to me. No more malarkey! You’re a drug warrior. You built a whole career on the backs of locking up drug users. You introduced the ‘94 Crime Bill for Christ sakes! You’re already goin’ to Hell, what’s the use of trying to right your wrongs now? Everyone knows now that cannabis prohibition had nothing to do with public health and safety, it was all about locking people up! You can’t come back from that, Joe.
OLD BIDEN: But I’m the President of the United States now, the people voted me in, and I’ve got to do something good before my time is up, which is soon.
YOUNG BIDEN: Well it’s a good thing your recent pardon doesn’t really do much (laughing), you fooled those dumb stoners!
WOODY: Bruh, enough, I can’t stand Colbert. He’s such a Dem/CIA/Libtard. Put Tucker on YouTube, I missed his show tonight.
MARY AND JANE: (saying at the same time followed by laughter) What??!!
WILLIE: You watch that shit? It’s all made up, basically the opposite of everything he says is true Woody. FOX just admitted that in court bruh.
WOODY: That’s all fine ‘cause I like to see both sides and make my own decisions even if I don’t agree with my choices. (Woody clicks a bunch of times on the remote, keeps clicking.) Youtube on TV, ehhh.
Tucker Carlson enters
TUCKER CARLSON: That’s a lie! No! No! No! Booooooooo! Legalizing marijuana makes you lazy, everyone knows that! I don’t like how it smells in Times Square. Decrim is enough, small amounts are enough. In Washington, DC they’re smoking on the street, there are groups like DCMJ who loooove civil disobedience, ehhh, but no one gets arrested anyway. It’s all about selling weed to our kids, it’s a big conspiracy. Joe Biden doesn’t give a damn about your kids or undercover CIA operatives in Russia, instead he loves a Black lesbian basketball player who hates America and loves Hash, for (air quotes) “medical reasons.” I mean she has dreadlocks. Don’t you think the Russians know who else has dreadlocks? Snoop Dogg! And he performs at every single cannabis covid super spreading event in America on 4/20, on the same day everywhere like Santa. These DCMJ people were giving away weed in something they called Joints for Jabs outside the socialist covid vaccine centers on the 4/20 holiday in 2021. Then after that, they brought a 51 foot joint with a message in Russian to the front gates of Putin’s Embassy in Washington, DC, and they came to the White House to perform lousy street theater while stoned out of their minds. There was even an audience that showed up. (Pointing to the audience). Look, they’re right there!
Willie is dozing off.
WOODY: Bro! I’m sure these DCMJ people are somehow connected to the mysterious monolith at the DEA in 2021. Like… I think they were wearing Ape suits, bruh…BRUHH!!
Willie suddenly wakes up.
WILLIE: Those DCMJ people are just fighting to end the worst violation of civil rights since Jim Crow.
WOODY: Who’s Jim? Does he smoke weed?
WILLIE: Jim Crow is a racist set of laws designed to hold back Black people in the United States literally since the end of the Civil War. Weed a book man.
MARY: Look Woody! Locking people up for using cannabis isn’t a myth. Over 300,000 people a year get locked up turning their lives upside down. It’s immoral and I for one will not vote for fake reformers. I had high hopes for Biden, but Old Biden is just like young Biden, a real dick!
JANE: I thought Biden announced he was gonna reschedule cannabis, hasn’t he done that?
WILLIE: Nope. They never do what they say they’re going to do. They talk a big talk and get you to vote for them, and then they don’t keep any of their promises.
MARY: It’s total bullshit bruh. And all the while, people are still getting locked up for cannabis, while rich white guys make a fortune off selling it legally.
The four of them start to drift to sleep on the couch and start to dream, then put on prisoner suits. Other Prisoners join them behind. The jail cell bars go over the prisoners.
TUCKER: Corporations just want to make money off of you being high, so if we have to keep taking away people’s freedoms by keeping cannabis a crime, then so be it because it isn’t like someone is making money off of cannabis now, like WILLLLLLIIEEEE and WOOOOOOODDDYYY or MARRRRYYY or JANNNNNEEE, who were arrested today in a major sting in Washington, DC.
WOODY: Bruh….what’s going on? Are we all in jail?
WILLIE: I think so dude…
JANE: We didn’t break the law, it’s legal in DC to grow your own. (WOODY and JANE yelling) Initiative 71!!!!
MARY: Ahh, this is federal bruh, D – E – A! ‘Cause they don’t care about DC’s laws. Didn’t you see what Biden just did?
WILLIE: He repealed criminal justice reform passed by 12 of the 13 DC Council members. The only people representing DC who are elected by DC residents, got shat on.
WOODY: There’s somebody coming.
DEA Agent in suit wearing sunglasses (think Matrix)
AGENT SMITH: Hello Gentleman. My name is Agent Smith of the (slowly)D E A. Do you guys know what (slowly) D E A stands for?
The four of them shake their heads yes
AGENT SMITH: Ok smart asses tell me then.
WOODY: (slowly) Drugs Every Afternoon…?
ALL: Yeah! 4:20! (they give each other a high five)
MARY: No wait, it’s (slowly) Damage Everyone Alive!
AGENT SMITH: NO!
WILLIE: I know what it is sir.
AGENT SMITH: What is it then?
WILLIE: (slowly) Dummy Employment Agency!
The four of them are giggling but then Agent Smith gets in their faces and they stop laughing and look frightened.
AGENT SMITH: NO! You four potheads are in big trouble. I’m gonna bring you and your whole family down, down to the low place. I have the power to ruin everything you care about, and forget your future, because it’s in my hands. I can take your willy, Woody and I can take your woody, Willie. (Pause) You’ll never see the light of day again. I will make sure you lose your jobs and you will have to sell drugs to make a living so I’ll be employed forever locking you four sons of bitches away again and again and again until you die in prison with no weed or mushrooms! You will die like little mice in my matrix.
They all wake up from their dream and pack a bowl to smoke together.
WOODY: Guys, I just had the scariest dream!
MARY and JANE: SO DID WE!
WILLIE: So did I! I dreamed that we were in prison! We all kept getting locked up over and over again for selling weed. And this scary DEA agent tortured us forever! And then we all died like little mice.
WOODY: Oh my God! It must have been because we were watching the same TV propaganda together.
JANE: And smoking the same weed.
WILLIE: And sitting on the same couch.
MARY: In the same house!
WOODY: Drinking the same water!
JANE: Eating the same bag of Harvest Snaps.
ALL: (at the same time) We actually had the same dream!
WILLIE: But wait a second, this isn’t just a dream, this is actually happening to people all over the world. It’s reality.
MARY: Governments continue to use cannabis as an excuse to terrorize their citizens and deny them rights, even in America, bruh.
WOODY: I thought we legalized like all over America. Over 30 states have made cannabis legal in some form, right?
WILLIE: It’s the federal government Woody. THE government. THEY…DON’T…GIVE…A…FUCK…
Willie looks at his phone.
WILLIE: I just got an email from DCMJ, they’re having a protest and a smoke in right now. I think we might have missed the street theater, but they are marching to the Capitol at 4:20 for the smoke in.
TOGETHER: Let’s go!!
Play Legalize It by Peter Tosh
Narrator: Thank you for watching the first act of 420 Theater. Please join us at 4:00pm for Act II to take place at 3rd Street on the National Mall for a special Joint Session of Congress. See you soon. You are invited to Union Station for a late lunch in the food court.
Roles for Act II:
SSDP Expert 1
SSDP Expert 2
FG Expert 1
FG Expert 2
FG Expert 3
Rep. Andy Harris
Sen. Hakeem Jeffries
Sen. Cory Booker
Sen. Chuck Schumer
Sen. Mitch McConnell
Sen. Ron Wyden
VP Kamala Harris
Tables, chairs, couch
Performed on the mall at 3rd Street in the center panel with Students for Sensible Drug Policy student lobbyists. Props include tables and chairs, Woody, Willie, Mary and Jane’s couch. Tables and chairs are set up like a Congressional hearing.
RON BURGUNDY: We interrupt your normally scheduled programming to go LIVE to this special “JOINT” session of Congress on the topic of American cannabis policy. The historic hearing has already begun with America’s newest 420 activists, Woody, Willie, Mary and Jane from Washington, D.C. They’re currently testifying. Let’s join in LIVE for Congress’s POTTIFICATION and questions…
WOODY: If you give me just a sec I could answer your que…..(Interrupted)
SPEAKER MCCARTHY: As Speaker of the House I must not send a message to children about legalizing cannabis. Instead, I must send a clear message, really clear…crystal clear, like looking through a window, and that message for America is we have to be clear-sighted and roll it up. Our sleeves, that is, get to work and get it done for the American people. No one, except all the Democrats, want cannabis forced down kids throats, so it’s gotta be a choice (pause) for the states, am I clear? It’s not confusing where I stand as a leader in my party, it’s just not up to us you see. The Controlled Substances Act spells it all out, and well yeah it’s 50 years old, so we’re gonna keep it just the way it is. Seriously, I’m clear minded about my position on cannabis. Myself and fellow Republicans (pause) we stand forth. So, have I just spelled it out for you? Let’s hear your reply to that Student Expert, you have 5 seconds.
SSDP EXPERT 1: We have seen in states where cannabis has been legalized that it can provide significant economic benefits, such as increased tax revenue and job crea….
Harris Interrupting and in a creepy voice. His father was a Hungarian Nazi https://hungarianspectrum.org/2021/01/22/republican-congressman-andy-harriss-real-hungarian-roots/ so the idea is to give him a little bit of Nazi like rapport, like a vague Euro accent. He is fair game for defending January 6th and multiple associations with neo-fascist and KKK friendly groups in his district
CONGRESSMAN ANDY HARRIS: It’s my time. I’m Doctor Harris, and I gas people…..merely with laughing gas of course! (laughs loudly) Before surgery you see, with a mask over the face like this (gesturing to his mouth). Even though I never studied mary-jah-wana in college or in the Navy, and I have zero background or experience with it, I have obviously superior breeding, (gives nazi salute, has to force his arm down with his other arm) I mean expertise than the people actually using marijuana for so-called (air quotes) “medical problems.” As the doctor on the committee who gives hippy crack to people before surgery and has personal access to nitrous oxide by the tank, I think medical cannabis is basically unproven medicine that needs to be (in slow sarcastic voice) reeeeeseeeesearrrrrrrched and not legalized. No one should just be walking around high. Quickly, in the 10 seconds I have left before time expires, prove me wrong!
SSDP EXPERT 2: Medical benefits of cannabis have already been well-documented, with studies showing its effectiveness in treating a variety of illnesses and conditions. Since 1999 the US funded Institute of Medicine has said cannabis has efficacy for a variety of ailments including Multiple Sclerosis, cancer side effects, chronic pain, as well as emotional and spiritual benefits. And if you rescheduled at the very least, we could get that reeeeeeeesearrrrrch you’re talking about.
HAKEEM JEFFRIES: Excuse me, if I may. Congressman Harris, the origins of federal marijuana policy date back to the 1930’s, is that correct?
CONGRESSMAN HARRIS: That’s correct!.
HAKEEM JEFFRIES: Well, what else was going on in the 1930’s, perhaps in your own family, Doctor Harris?
CONGRESSMAN HARRIS: Look, the crimes of the father should not harm the son. Sure, my Daddy was a Nazi party doctor in Hungary and he went to jail after the war as a collaborator. I have nothing else to say except locking people up for marijuana use only appears to be what Nazis would do. (gives nazi salute, has to force his arm down with his other arm)
HAKEEM JEFFRIES: Come on Congressman Harris, it’s 100% fair to say that the origins of federal marijuana prohibition were racially motivated, flawed and stained with the bigoted perspectives of Harry Anslinger, and later Richard Nixon. America is ready for change and justice. The legalization of cannabis at the federal level could open up great farming opportunities in Red states, rural areas that Republicans represent, so this is all illogical to me why it’s Republicans who stand in the way of the MORE Act and other reasonable measures.
(MARY waving hands in the air)
MARY: Ah, excuse me… It’s important to consider the racial disparities that exist in our current cannabis laws. Black and brown communities are disproportionately impacted by cannabis prohibition, with higher rates of arrests and incarceration.
CONGRESSMAN HARRIS: (Smiling and laughing) Zat is why I openly supported marijuana prohibition in the first place! We needed a reason to lock zem up (gives nazi salute, has to force his arm down with his other arm)…wait…did I just say that out loud?
SENATOR BOOKER: I think it’s time we hear from some credible Senators. Ones like myself. Look, we had the chance to pass legalization during the lame duck, but we QUACKED, and then we QUACK QUACKED. Now the Republicans are the majority QUACK, I can say with confidence we won’t see legalization for several more QUACKS. But we won’t give up the QUACK. We will legalize on the federal level, and we will do it the right QUACK, and with bipartisan QUACK across all QUACKS!
SENATOR SCHUMER: That’s right Senator Booker, reach across A L L the aisles including the aisle between the Republicans and Democrats, and the aisles between the do something Dems and the do nothing Dems, the Blue Dogs and Green Dogs, the Progressives and Moderates, the asses and elephants, the isle of Man, to the New York Islanders, to the Island of my Mind, to the Island one stick man lives on with a single coconut tree. Maybe we’ll get it done, maybe not, maybe go fuck yourself, cause we ain’t getting anything done until Mitch MCConnell gets off the pot… (says while laughing) the porcelain one. Lord knows that man never touched THC, but he sure loves that hemp!
(Mitch Mcconnell stands and spits out whole olives)
SENATOR MCCONNELL: Ah Ah, you said my name so I have a right to speak! My pot isn’t porcelain, (pause) it’s hemp! So I like cannabis and like to shit on it. Literally. (laugh) We grow in my state. You see. We’re cool. It’s hempy to make hemp wood, pressed under tremendous pressure. On machinery made in China. But imported to Kentucky. American owned. And that’s why I fought like heck to convince Trump to allow an exemption to import duties on the hemp press. Hemp industry is good for Kentucky and good for America. Now. When it comes to THC. (pause) Fuck that. I yield my time.
SENATOR RON WYDEN: (Raising hand) Oregonians would like to be heard Mr. Speaker!
SPEAKER MCCARTHY: You have the floor Senator Wyden, just remember to return it.
SENATOR RON WYDEN: Well first of all this 4/20 is historic, because it’s been some years since I introduced S420, and as the lame duck showed us, we QUACKED. But today I’d like to talk about the great jobs in our state’s cannabis industry. A few years ago I went to a dispensary and besides giving me some incredible edibles, I met some of the hard working bud-tenders who told me they love what we’re doing in DC. They love how sustainable cannabis has been even though the prices have collapsed, and many people have turned to underground untaxed sales, and the cottage industry of cannabis is in free fall and cannabis stocks were a huge scam on the American investor. I know we will get this done one day, not in our lifetimes, cause it’s gonna be historic. Thank you for making history Congress, we did it.
WILLIE: Woah woah woah…Hold up…Did what exactly?
SENATOR RON WYDEN: Promises made, promises NAUGGGHT kept. That’s how an united Democratic party rolls. (high fives Schumer and Booker)
SSDPer’s, WOODY, WILLIE, MARY and JANE shake heads and groan out loud.
VP KAMALA HARRIS walks in cackling with laughter and smoking a joint with Bob Marley music playing.
VP HARRIS: (laughing) You know, I remember smoking weed when I was younger, and we were listening to Snoop and Tupac, they were only 13 years old and I was in college, they were making the hottest gangster rap weed anthems of the middle 1980’s. Remember? Half my family is from Jamaica by the way! (waits for applause and then laughs) I gotta say, the people who applied at the White House to work for me and Papi Joe, who were honest and said they used marijquana, and then didn’t get the job, we are truly sorry, ahahaha. I’m also reeeeal sorry for all the people I locked up for cannabis when I was a prosecutor in California. But I’m VP of the God damn United States now, and I still ain’t gonna do shit. (cackling and hitting the joint)
SPEAKER MCCARTHY: Why is she here? This is a joint session, not a confessional VP Harris. (laughs)
WOODY: (Jumps up and begins to scream) THIS ISN’T FUNNY! Regular Americans are sick and tired of bickering and the do nothing Congress.
WILLIE: That’s right, Woody! Our leaders have forgotten the injustices they’ve done to millions of Americans who use cannabis and got locked up!
WOODY: I didn’t get into marijuana advocacy to be tricked and used by politicians.
SSDP EXPERT 1: For years we have seen countless people being thrown into prison, losing their jobs, and having their lives ruined just for choosing a healing plant. It’s past time you put an end to this madness and make federal cannabis legalization a reality.
FG EXPERT 1: – I served 27 years!
FG EXPERT 2: I served 25 years!
FG EXPERT 3: I served 17 years, our brother is serving 20 years, my son is serving 10 years, and my dad died in prison for cannabis!
MARY: If you legalize, it can bring about much-needed changes. It would mean that people who rely on cannabis for their health and well-being would no longer have to worry about being harassed by the scumbag cops. They could go after real crime!
FG EXPERT 1: If you legalize or deschedule, cannabis prisoners will be freed from their prison cells and united with their families!
JANE: We’re calling you out Congress! Rise up! We’re begging you to do what you say you’re going to do and legalize! We’re fed up!
WOODY: We are not drug kingpins. We are regular people! Most of us have permission from our doctors to do this! You can’t justify this anymore.
WILLIE: We can’t afford to wait any longer. Congress needs to get it done already so we can start working towards creating a fair and just system that benefits all of us.
SSDP Expert 1: It’s time for Congress to take action and legalize!
SSDP Expert 2: The American people have spoken, and the majority of us support legalization. The time has come for you to listen to our voices and do what is right. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???!!!
SPEAKER MCCARTHY: Your time is up.
MARY: NO! YOUR TIME IS UP! Enough Politricks! WE’RE GONNA VOTE AND WEED YOU PROHIBITIONISTS OUT OF THIS JOINT! NO STICKS N STEMS! WE’RE TIRED OF MIDS! WE WANT PREMIUM, HIGH QUALITY POLITICIANS! TOP SHELF ONLY FROM NOW ON!
WOODY: You politicians are like a $20 preroll. Expensive, but not worth it!
SPEAKER MCCARTHY: I thank the panel for being here today and your incredibly valuable testimonies. Without objection, the committee is adjourned.
WILLIE: WE ALL OBJECT! (points to the crowd of audience) This isn’t over and we’re not gonna stop fighting!
JANE: Everyone! If ya got it, spark it up! This is THE Joint Session!
The audience all pull out their joints and pipes, and dab rigs, and light up. Cast joins the audience (Weed Song by Bone Thugs comes on start at beginning of song, stop at 40 seconds https://youtu.be/MfVDicnvnFc)
As smoke fills the room all the members of Congress start catching a contact high and suddenly, things change for the better. Everyone is giggling and hugging each other.
CONGRESSMAN HARRIS: (making loud sniffing noises) Woah…am I having flashbacks right now? I smell weed, and it reminds me of the time those two DCMJer’s lit up a joint outside my office. I heard one of the side effects of smoking marijuana is flashbacks.
SENATOR MCCONNELL: My goodness gracious, what’s that beating feeling in my chest? Could it be a heart? Oh no…oh no no no…What have we done? We’ve got to let these fine people out of jail!
SPEAKER MCCARTHY:(Cheech & Chong vibe) Chill brother…it’s gonna be ok, we can fix this mess we made.
SENATOR MCCONNELL: WE WERE WRONG ABOUT MARIJUANA! ALL WRONG! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WE’VE DONE? We PERPETUATED RACISM. 83 years of war on the American people! 83 YEARS OF MALARKEY! We cannot continue down this path any longer. We’ve got to wake up!
SPEAKER MCCARTHY: Let’s vote on this now! It’s time to release every cannabis prisoner in the US. We’re going to wave our legislative magic wands and expunge everyone’s record of all cannabis crimes. At this very moment, let’s vote to declare cannabis LEGAL!!!! (the audience claps and cheers).
SENATOR SCHUMER: And anyone who wants to grow or sell to put food on the table for their families, YOU’RE FREE TO DO SO! YOU GET A LICENSE, AND YOU GET A LICENSE, AND YOU GET A LICENSE! (think Oprah Winfrey) CANNABIS AND ALLLLL PLANT MEDICINES ARE NOW LEGAL ALL ACROSS AMERICA BECAUSE OF THE US SENATE!
SENATOR BOOKER: This country deserves to heal from the trauma we’ve inflicted on them for so long. We’re going to allow veterans to use plant medicines, we’re going to allow people in federal housing to consume and grow cannabis in their homes. We’re even gonna let college students blaze it up on campus. And we’re going to allow people access to psychedelic medicines. It’s a new day my fellow Americans. So let’s all celebrate!
SENATOR MCCONNELL: Now play the National Trap Anthem Remix!
Let the song play for 15 – 30 seconds
Old Biden shuffles onto the stage and addresses the audience:
OLD BIDEN: Listen up you dog faced pony soldiers! I promised you a Green New Deal! We’re going to have a Green New Deal. I promised. Didn’t I? Anyway, Umm. Go! You know the thing!
Chuck Schumer runs onto the stage with the DEA agents. The agents escort Old Biden off the stage as Schumer addresses the audience:
SENATOR SCHUMER: The thing is, everybody needs to keep voting Democrat so we can give you a Right to Marijuana. I Promise. I promise we will give you a Right to Marijuana. If we can elect enough Democrats. That’s the ticket. Keep voting Democrat and we will give you a Right to Marijuana. I promise.
There are still a couple roles available. If you would like to participate in DCMJ’s 4/20 Theater, please sign up!